Hey there, Kole and Sophie's dad here...
This one goes to all those parents out there who are fighting to provide for their family!
In this story I want to share personal experience and write about feelings, emotions, our behavior as parents.
I'm sure you've had a situation when your child said or did something which has lead to the tipping point, beyond which a significant and often unstoppable effect took place and you've remained with nothing but regret... Before the regret you have yelled at your child perhaps, or sent him/her to a corner, thinking chair, bed room, took away the toys or whatever your child finds dear. After the anger is gone and your blood pressure is normal again only regret remains and a question - could I have done that differently?
Perhaps it even happened a few minutes ago and you started looking for some advice, solution or just to see you are not the only one who acts like crazy when pushed too far...and the kids really know how and when to push their parents/care givers above the tipping point.
Unfortunately this topic is too complex to be put in one sentence and if you were looking for a quick solution I will have to disappoint you. Yet, bear with me and keep on reading for the next couple of minutes and I'm sure you will find how this could have been done differently.
For us, this challenging parenting moment happened just last night, as usually when our kids are tired and sleepy they get grumpy. This is not the case just for the little ones, everyone gets grumpy when tired and stressed out after a long days work.
Initial reaction and default behavior
Children, when they get emotional, do not know how to handle their emotions and how to behave in a certain situation. The problem comes when grown ups behave like 5 year old and cannot handle themselves. If you deny your child of something, let's take as example watching TV and cartoons, without any explanation and especially if you make a hard cut and try to make them stop the activity immediately, this will always lead to them being angry, hurt, sad and these emotions they will express by crying, yelling, going to their room, to a corner, most serious retreating inside themselves, stopping any conversation and being introvert!
Self Reflection and learning's
Let's reflect on parents behavior at the same time. When children misbehave the parents often get upset and angry, unfortunately that is the most usual reaction. What many parents do wrong is that they try just to make the child quiet and calm. If they succeed the story ends there and they've accomplished their goal. Also, they are doing this by yelling to the child and pointing to them.
De-escalating the situation
First thing you should do is to de-escalate the situation. Do not try to calm down your child just to get some peace and quite in the house. Whatever you do do not bribe your child, do not offer something like sweets, watching cartoons on TV, mobile phone, tablet, etc., do not offer games or anything for your child to be nice and to stop crying. What you need to do is to understand their feelings, put yourself in the child's shoes. Once you understand your child and know the root of his/hers behavior you will be able to find a solution together. Looking for a solution, not knowing the cause and the root of the problem, is like driving with a blindfold. Do not raise your voice, do not speak bad of your child or it's behavior, it will not have any positive effect. Speak like you are speaking with an adult, say you understand your child and explain why such behavior is inappropriate.
A few useful tips:
Remain Calm:
Keep your own emotions in check. Your calm demeanor can have a calming effect on your child.
Provide Space:
If the situation allows, give your child some space. This can prevent the escalation of emotions and allow both of you to cool down.
Use Soft and Calming Language:
Speak in a gentle and soothing tone. Avoid raising your voice, as it can contribute to heightened emotions.
Validate Their Feelings:
Acknowledge your child's emotions and let them know it's okay to feel upset. Use phrases like, "I can see that you're really angry right now."
Active Listening:
Listen actively to what your child is saying. This shows that you respect their feelings and are willing to understand their perspective. This means one mouth, two ears! Listen to your child and ask open questions to understand them (the ones where the answer cannot be yes or no).
Offer a Physical Outlet:
Sometimes, physical activity can help release built-up tension. Encourage your child to engage in a physical activity like jumping on a trampoline or going for a short walk.
Provide Choices:
Empower your child by offering them choices. This helps them feel in control and can divert their attention from the source of frustration.
Use Humor:
Lightening the mood with humor can be effective in diffusing tension. However, be mindful of the context and the child's personality.
Suggest Calming Techniques:
Teach and encourage your child to use calming techniques, such as taking deep breaths or counting to ten. These techniques can help regulate emotions.
Redirect Attention:
Shift the focus away from the source of frustration by suggesting a different activity or topic of conversation. Redirecting attention can help break the cycle of anger.
Offer Comfort:
Provide physical comfort, such as a hug or gentle touch, if your child is open to it. Physical contact can be reassuring and calming.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Communicate clear boundaries for behavior. Let your child know what is expected and the consequences of crossing those boundaries.
Criticism
Do not criticize a child, criticize their behavior!
Understanding the Child's Perspective
Like mentioned, one mouth, two ears! Before reacting to your child's upset emotions, take a moment to understand the source of their frustration. Is it a result of a disagreement, unmet expectations, or fatigue? By identifying the root cause, you can better tailor your response.. Kids see things differently and if you try to "command" them or say something like "stop watching TV or playing on mobile phone", without any explanation why, the child will not understand you and it could lead to emotional escalation.
Practical tips for remaining calm
Staying calm and managing anger effectively is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and well-being. Here are 10 practical tips to help you remain calm and calm yourself down when you're feeling angry or upset:
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Deep Breathing:
- Take slow, deep breaths to help regulate your nervous system.
- Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth.
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Count to Ten:
- Before reacting, give yourself a moment to pause and count to ten.
- This simple act can help you break the immediate emotional response and gain perspective.
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Physical Activity:
- Engage in physical activities like walking, jogging, or even doing a few stretches.
- Exercise helps release built-up tension and promotes a sense of well-being.
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Create Distance:
- If possible, physically remove yourself from the situation that's causing anger.
- Taking a short break can provide the space needed to cool down.
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Positive Self-Talk:
- Challenge negative thoughts with positive and rational self-talk.
- Remind yourself that getting angry may not solve the problem and could make it worse.
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Visualization:
- Picture a calm and peaceful scene in your mind.
- Visualization can help shift your focus away from the source of anger and promote relaxation.
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Put words and thoughts on a paper:
- Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
- This can be a constructive way to express and process your emotions.
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Use Humor:
- Find humor in the situation or use humor to diffuse tension.
- Laughter can be a powerful tool for breaking the intensity of anger.
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Practice Mindfulness:
- Engage in mindfulness or meditation techniques.
- Focus on your breath or use guided meditation to center yourself in the present moment.
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Seek Support:
- Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist about what's bothering you.
- Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can provide valuable perspective and support.
Remember that it's normal to feel angry, but it's crucial to manage that anger in a healthy way. These techniques can be combined and adapted to suit your personal preferences and the specific circumstances causing your anger. Developing a toolkit of strategies will empower you to choose the most effective approach in different situations.
Turning challenges into teachable moments
When your child is upset and angry, it can be a testing time for both of you. However, these challenging moments also present an opportunity for parents to transform difficulties into valuable teachable moments.
1. Stay Calm Yourself:
- Your child looks to you for guidance. Maintaining your own composure sets a positive example.
- Take a deep breath and model the behavior you want your child to emulate.
2. Validate Their Feelings:
- Acknowledge your child's emotions without judgment. Let them know it's okay to feel angry or upset.
- Use empathetic language to show understanding, such as, "I can see that you're feeling really upset right now."
3. Active Listening:
- Actively listen to your child's perspective. Repeat back what they're expressing to ensure you understand.
- This validation helps your child feel heard and respected.
4. Encourage Verbal Expression:
- Encourage your child to express their feelings verbally rather than through negative behavior.
- Use prompts like, "Can you tell me more about why you're feeling this way?"
5. Problem-Solving Together:
- Collaboratively work on finding solutions to the issue at hand.
- This not only resolves the immediate problem but teaches your child valuable problem-solving skills.
6. Teach Emotional Regulation:
- Help your child develop healthy emotional regulation by offering coping strategies.
- Techniques like deep breathing or counting to ten can be introduced as tools to calm down.
7. Empower with Choices:
- Provide your child with choices within acceptable boundaries.
- This empowers them and fosters a sense of control, reducing the likelihood of power struggles.
8. Model Apology and Forgiveness:
- If the situation involves a conflict, model the importance of apologizing and forgiving.
- Demonstrating these actions teaches your child about empathy, humility, and resolution.
9. Turn to Positive Reinforcement:
- Reinforce positive behavior by praising your child when they handle challenging situations well.
- Positive reinforcement encourages repetition of positive actions.
10. Reflect and Learn Together: - After the storm has passed, reflect with your child on what happened and how both of you can improve. - This teaches the value of self-reflection and continuous improvement.
Let's end it with a dad joke...
Hey honey, kids shoes are all dirty...
Just leave them outside...
Later that night at 2am (wakes up the wife) - Babe, when should I let the kids back in the house?
